Virtually Horses
 

The Sports

Show Jumping – for dressage riders at heart (read as you would a dressage test)

• Enter ring at medium walk.

• In centre of ring, halt, salute to judge.

• Extended trot to first fence, clear fence.

• Working canter to second fence.

• Halt at second fence in square, round halt. Turn on forehand 180 degrees, working canter to second fence, clear.

• 10m circle to return to third fence in counter canter, crash through third fence (in counter canter).

• Horse skittish. Shoulder-fore, travers and prance back to fourth fence.

• Downwards transition to piaffe in front of fence, pirouette, extended trot circle back to fourth fence. Clear.

• Extended canter up hill towards bank (fifth jump). Canter-halt transition, western slide stop for extra marks, square halt on top of bank. Elimination.

• Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
• Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K.
• Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
• Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline.
• Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
• Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.
• Your working trot had you working harder then your horse.
• In your salute, your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground.
• Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium."
• Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters.
• Your horse's response to the canter aid is "Can't, er, what?"
• Your twenty meter circle involved jumping the rail twice.
• Your halt took place in the judge's lap, instead of at X.
• Your thoroughbred interpreted elasticity to involve trying to kick himself in the head with his back feet during the working canter.
• Your horse entered the arena at A, and M, and H, and B...
• Judge's comments include words like "unusual, dramatic, explosive, and tragic"
• Leg-yields involve your leg yielding before the horse does.
• Free walk was interpreted by your Arab to involve prancing, a rear, and a few bucks.
• The judge asks you take the broken letters with you when you leave.

Sample Dressage Test

A Enter at ordinary serpentine.
X Sprawl. Salute.
C Stop dead. Stare in horror at Judge and shy to the left. Continue ordinary working gallop.

E Stagger left 20 or 15 or 22 meters in diameter circle of pear- shaped or five-pointed star.

K Begin to halt.
A Keep trying.
F You can do it.
B Use emergency pulley rein technique. Give up. Continue at out-of-hand gallop.

H Regain right stirrup. Continue ordinary trot-bouncing.

FXH Change rein, free walk loose reins. Remove horse from Judge's table. Ask Judge for leg-up. Jump back into ring.

A Turn down centre.
X Halt. Grin. Scratch. Burst into tears. Leave arena at free walk on loose rein- looser language.

Beginner Riders...

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the K-Mart manager came and unplugged it.

Murphy's Laws for Equestrian Sport

• No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.

• A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.

• Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.

• An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.

• Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.

• If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.

• If you're winning, quit.

When buying your horse (what the ads really mean)...

• SHOWN SPARINGLY- Only when we had the judge in our pocket.

• SHOW PROSPECT- Four legs, two eyes, two ears, a mane, and a tail.

• PLACED IN FIVE SHOWS - and 89 others did nothing.

• WON IN HEAVY COMPETITION - three horses in the maiden class.

• LOTS OF PIZAZZ- Hasn't been out of his stall for three days.

• LIMITED SHOWING- Owner broke.

• TERRIFIC ANGULATION- Cow hocked and sickle hocked.

• PERSONALITY PLUS- Might wake up if you stick a carrot up his nose.

• GOOD BITE- Missed the judge but got the steward.

• EXCELS IN MOVEMENT- When she spooks, she can pass any horse in the ring.

• THREE GOOD GAITS- and four or five others we can't name.

• HANDLED EXCLUSIVELY BY- no one else can get near him.

• AT STUD TO APPROVED MARES- Those in season.

• TERRIFIC PEDIGREE- Old champion Whatsisname is twice in the fifth generation.

• GOOD BROODMARE- Don't dare try to show in the ring.

• LOTS OF DRIVE- Untrainable.

• GREAT STALLION PROSPECT- Will mate with anything from the neighbor's cow on up.

• Dressage Prospect: Horse won’t jump.

• Jumper prospect: Horse’s brain is too fried for the hunter division.

• Hates to touch fences: Over jumps everything.

• Preliminary jumper: Horse’s brain is fried and he is unsound.

• Bomb proof: Horse is so lazy no one can get him out of a walk.

• Training Level Dressage: Green broke.

• First Level Dressage: Did a leg yield once.

• Second Level Dressage: Did a shoulder-in once.

• Third Level Dressage: Did a half-pass once.

• Fourth Level Dressage: Can do flying changes sometimes.

• FEI Dressage: Horse accidentally did four steps of piaffe when freaking at a mailbox.

• Ribbon Winner at DAD: Placed tenth out of ten in a breeding class.

• Schoolmaster: Horse is too crocked up to compete any more except on illegal drugs.

• Loads: He’ll go on the trailer if someone stands behind him with a whip.

• Safe for a beginner: See Bomb proof

• Intermediate level rider: Not bomb proof, but no talent either.

• Needs experienced rider: Really screwed up.

• Ride for a professional: Don’t answer this ad.

• Brood mare prospect: Female and hopelessly lame.

• Bargain price: A little bit lame.

• Clean legs: No lumps but very crooked.

• “10” Gaits: Moves well, but “0” for rideability.

• Green broke: Didn’t buck off rider.

• Backed: Did buck off rider.

• Started under saddle: See backed

• Spirited: Really screwed up.

• Sensitive: Flaky and really screwed up.

• Could go English or Western: Horse hasn’t had much training.

• Won many awards: Lots of green ribbons in local schooling shows.

• Lots of show mileage: Never won a ribbon.

• Always in ribbons: Only gone in local shows run by owner.

• Substantial: Has feet like dinner plates and ought to be pulling a plow.

• Weight carrier: See substantial.

• Can do it all: Owner has tried everything, but never found what this horse is good at.

• Anybody can ride: See bomb proof.

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